BREAKING NEWS....
A recent study shows that fans whose favorite football team loses.... wait for it.... gets fatter. Ummm duh!!! Every time my Bears lose, you better believe I'm grabbing a shot of whiskey and those last 2 slices of room temperature pizza. "Nope!!! Don't heat it up. If I don't enjoy it, then the calories don't count" Hey why not throw in the fact that men beat their women after their team loses, except in Northern Wisconsin, where the women beat their women. "STOP CRYING TED, learn how to take a punch"
I care about the overall health of our country. So I contacted the 1st lady of the U.S. That's right, Michelle Obama and we concocted a little scheme to help you deal with your weight issues. She gave me the ok to predict the season win total of every NFL team against the Vegas odds so you can mentally prepare for the stress that your team is gonna put on your eating habits for the next 4 months.
I've broken it down into 4 categories: Locks, highly probable, feels good but... and this could go either way
I'm doing this for you, not for me, not at all because I have a problem with wagering on sports but because I care about the overall health of our country. Why you ask?!!! cause I'm a goddamn PATRIOT!!!
LOCKS:
Raiders under 5.5 OK this team is gonna be historically bad so what I'm saying Oakland, if you don't be careful you'll be diabetic by the end of the season. May I suggest salads for your football parties with a light balsamic vinaigrette
Lions over 8 They were young and didn't know how to handle success from 2 years ago. they will impress this year trust me. Plus the city is bankrupt they're gonna be fat anyway, they can't sfford to shop at Whole foods
Broncos over 11.5 All Peyton Manning does is win 10 games every year. Throw in the fact that they play the Raiders and the Chargers team a combined 4 times. 13-3 is a virtual lock for them and good health to the fans of Denver
Patriots over 11 hey if you're gonna be Patriotic you gotta take the Patriots it's the American thing to do
Chiefs over 7.5 They also play the Raiders and Chargers 4 times and they have a QB with a chip on his shoulder and a coach with a chip on his shoulder. Chips KC, multi-grain lay off the BBQ
Jets u 6.5 wins They're gonna lose a shit load of games 13-6
49ers u 11.5 wins They are great but man that division is way too tough for 12 wins
Falcons o 9.5 Atlanta finally tasted playoff victory last year, generally when that happens it makes a team hungrier. They'll get 10 wins, trust me on this boo, boo trust me
HIGHLY PROBABLE
Steelers u 9.5 wins I love Pittsburgh they are my perennial SB pick every year but 10 wins with a questionable running attack, average receivers and a mediocre offensive line is just one too many questions I have
Saints o 9 After being suspended for 1 year, for bounty gate. Sean Payton will have the biggest chip on his shoulder in the NFL and with Drew Brees as his QB, they're gonna be dangerous Po' boys for everyone!!!
Bengals o 8.5 Look the Bengals are here to stay, for awhile at least. Love the defense, Dalton is only going to get better and A.J. Green is a monster
Ravens o 8.5 wins Baltimore is a 1st class organization and winning a Super Bowl automatically gives you an unbeatable swag
Texans o 10.5 They get the Titans and Jaguars twice, 'nuff said
Browns u 6.5 They will be improved but that division they're in has no easy outs
Bears o 8.5 I think Marc Tressman was a great hire as the head coach, he's getting this team to the playoffs
Cardinals o 5.5 The NFC West is the toughest division in football but I like Carson Palmer here and a rejuvenated Larry Fitzgerald. 6 wins should come their way
Redskins o 8.5 I'm not as worried about RGIII as others are, mostly because I think they have more than serviceable back-ups
Seattle u 10.5 when your big free agent signee Percy Harvin may possibly sit out the year, it says 2 things, 1) they knew they had a deficiency at wide receiver and 2) they've yet to fill that void at wide receiver
Jaguars u 5 Jacksonville could very well get to 5 wins but no way they get to 6. I'll say it now Tebow, Tebow, Tebow
Dolphins u 8 I don't believe that Miami are a 9 win team, I don't believe it and you can't make me believe it, nan, nan, nanny poo poo
FEELS GOOD BUT....
Packers u 10.5 It pains me to say it but Green Bay has the best QB in the NFL but I'm not sold on the entire team, especially getting 11 wins in a very solid NFC North
San Diego u 7.5 wins They always lose games they should win but that could have been because Norv Turner is the most below average head coach in the history of sports
Rams o 7.5 wins Jeff Fisher can coach, but they are in the rugged NFC west and I also would have to be completely sold on Sam Bradford.... I'm not
Tampa o 7.5 wins They have a stud RB, a stud WR and perhaps the best defensive player in the NFL but Josh Freeman he's no stud. "You're no daisy Johnny Ringo, you're no daisy" - Tombstone
COULD GO EITHER WAY
Panthers o 7.5 If you believe in Cam take the over, if you don't, go fuck yourself... don't ever disagree with me, even if I'm unsure
Giants o 9 wins The giants are a perennial 9 win team who just occasionally gets hot in the playoffs. I lean toward them bouncing back but it's very slight lean kinda like 85/15 ground chuck
Cowboys o 8.5 wins It's impossible to get 8 and a half wins but if any team could do it it's the Cowboys. They are too talented not to get more than 8 wins but it's like that really hot girl with herpes, she doesn't believe in herself enough to overcome her adversity
Eagles u 7.5 wins I feel really uncomfortable with this pick, if Vick plays like Vick can, they could get 10 wins but if he gets hurt, (I say he does) then they'll slip.
Vikings u 7 If you have a chance to bet the Vikings getting exactly 7 wins take it. The only way they come close to achieving more than that, is if Peterson does what he did last year. I HAVE to bet against that. Some people say why bet at all and i say "hey, I'm Kevin Bozeman nice to meet you"
Colts o 8.5 wins I think the Colts win 9 games this year. I wish I had something funny or interesting to say more about this, but I don't... so there
The Bills are currently off the board but i say when they come back they'll be at 5.5 and i also say they won't win over 5 games. You're welcome.
Titans u 6.5 Jake Locker, Jake Locker, Jake locker... nope doesn't do it for me either
Plan your diet accordingly fans
Oh yeah a lil sumpn' sumpn' for the weekend
Colts - 9.5
Titans + 7
Chiefs - 3.5
Saints o 54
Rams - 4.5
Next week Playoff and Super bowl predictions
P.S. Every Sunday morning for the next 17 weeks you can catch me on 560 am from 10am-noon for a brand new NFL pre-game show and Sunday Night check your local listing for Fox Sports Radio affiliates to hear me at 10:15pm central time
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