A Super (Bowl) Journey

My schedule for the week before the Super Bowl:

Tuesday:
Depart Chi Midway Airport 9:40am, arrive in Manchester, NH 12:10pm
Depart Manchester, NH 2:20pm, arrive in Philadelphia, PA 3:30pm
Show at Kutztown University, 8pm

Wednesday:
Depart Philadelphia 7:10am, arrive in Chicago 8:40am
Depart Chi 11:05am, arrive in Detroit 1:05pm
Rent car, drive 350 miles to Sault Ste Marie
Show at Lake Superior State College, 8pm

Thursday:
Drive 350 miles to Detroit to catch 9:10am to Dallas, arrive at 1:15pm
Shows at the Addison Improv, Thu-Sat.

Sunday:
Super Bowl. I'm going. 'Nuff said.

That's a pretty hectic schedule, but that's not how it went down...

Tuesday Headline: Chicago Braces for Record Snowstorm

...oh snap, I gotta get the f*#k out of town. Standing in line at the airport, bout to check my bag, I get a frantic text and call from my agent. Kutztown U just cancelled the show due to the weather: "DONT GET ON THAT PLANE."

"Well what about Lake Superior State? Are they cancelling, too?"

"Nope, they have sunny skies."

"WTF! It's on the border of Canada, and no snow?"

Hop in the Toyota Camry. Time to drive 450 miles. On my way there, my phone receives a text saying that the connecting flight to PHL from NH is canceled...whew, I coulda been stuck in NH. Apparently, this could get worse.

I get to Sault Ste Marie the night before, and Chicago gets dumped on. Got out just in time. I try to decide between a casino or a strip club with at best, average-looking chicks. Instead, I opt for Applebee's and the Wisconsin-Purdue game. The Badgers cover the spread. :)

Wednesday, I knock out another show on the Tour of Mediocrity, which has been a little bit better than mediocre. Grab some subway and chocolate chip cookies. Time to drive through the night.

Thursday, a treacherous drive, but I roll up in Chi at 4:30am. Time to get a little nap in before my 9:10 flight. I get to Dallas at 12:30, and the whole town has gone apeshit over a little bit of snow. I get a ride from a taxi. The driver is shaky behind the wheel. I ask him if he wants me to drive. He considers it, but declines. 45 minutes later (to cover a 10 mile drive), we arrive at my hotel.

Friday, I spend the day watching the news as they explain how to drive in the snow...hilarious! I spend the first 5 minutes of my set ripping on Dallas and their inability to function in snow.

Saturday, the snow melts. All that's left is the sand that they put on the roads instead of salt. I make a castle. I sell out of my DVDs before the last show. I shoulda packed more. I can't sleep at all, which means I know that I will get really tired at around 5am and oversleep free breakfast.

Sunday, 11am, and I oversleep breakfast... bummer! I head to the SB at about 12:30. I stop for coffee and buy a size of coffee that I didn't realize was legal to sell. John Caparulo's GPS snaps and starts making up directions. We finally make it at 1:30. We find parking for only $80, and it's only 4 blocks away. That's a good deal.

I'm jittery! On the walk over, we shake hands with Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski.

Superbowl XLV.

We get our seats 3 hours ahead of game time. The coffee kicks in, and I try to figure out how I can run on the field.

Time to review my wagers. I picked the Steelers to win it all in the middle of the season. I gotta stick with it, and plus, I hate the Packers. I feel good that the Big Ben is getting points. He's the most clutch dude in the game up until this point. So I took the Steelers +2.5, Steelers moneyline. I also prop bets Aaron Rodgers over 2 td's at +240, Rodgers over 281 passing yds, Mendenhall longest run over 15.5 yds, and the most important bet, which is Mendenhall over 75 yds because in order for Pitt to win, they have to control the ground game. I bet that they can.

Blah, blah, they interview a few stars, and the fans start to file in. I used to live in Wisconsin, so I know how well the Pack travel, but there are considerably more Steeler fans at the game. The dude from roadhouse introduces both teams, and pandemonium starts to set in. Christina Aguilera botches the National Anthem. Somewhere, Carl Lewis smiles!

1st Quarter, Aaron Rodgers is throwing lasers and darts, and they take an early 14-0 lead. I'm sitting next to a Steelers fan, and he complains about everything as if he designed the game plans and they are not executing them...oh boy!

2nd Quarter, turnovers are huge as the Pack leads 21-10. I'm not worried cuz Big Ben and Mike Tomlin are good at making halftime adjustments.

Halftime. It was aiiight. They give us glow sticks to break during the show. Um no, I'm keeping mine.

3rd Quarter, just as I predicted, the Steelers adjust and get back in the game 21-17. Steelers are smashing them in the mouth with the run and have driven to the Pack 35. Oh no, 3 straight pass plays and now a missed 52-yarder. That's gonna hurt. I point out two things to my friend Cap: if Mendenhall gets over 75 yds, then the Steelers have a great chance to win, and every time he runs, he comes really close to fumbling. If he gets hit straight on, Mendenhall will fumble.

4th Quarter, Mendenhall fumbles on the 1st play. Sometimes I hate being this good. Rodgers catches fire again and starts dismantling the Steelers. Pittsburgh is no longer running. There goes my Mendenhall bet. The game is close, just as I thought it would be. All Pitt needs is a stop. Rodgers makes the throw of the game, a dart to Jennings, adds a fg. Big Ben has a chance to make Brady and Manning uncomfortable. Instead, he goes meekly. Game, set, match.

After party? Nah, Cap is sick, and my jug of coffee has worn off. Time to get some Wendy's and check on my fantasy basketball team!

DEUCES